Oh hi there, poor forgotten blog!

Every once in a while I remember that I have this blog. Hi blog! It's crazy how different my life is now compared to previous years. I used to spend several hours a week reading blogs by other wopas (wives/ex wives of pornography addicts). I don't remember the last time I sat down and caught up on blogs. I am a little sorry that I never took the time to write here regularly. I always meant to, but blogging rarely made it to the top of my recovery to do list.

Now that I've taken the time to remember my password and log in to say hi, let's talk about the Smiths in 2015.

Life is fantastic! We are still going strong in recovery. Mr. Smith is over 3 years sober from pornography, has had great success working on that progressive victory over lust, and has basically become a completely different man. I am so deeply, completely in love with him.

My recovery is also going awesome. My journey has taken a big turn over the past 2 months. I was sick for several months at the beginning of this year and to pass the time spent laying on the couch, I had been spending quite a bit of time online on various websites and support groups trying to educate myself more about addiction, recovery, lust, raising emotionally healthy children, etc. and to support other wives and mothers going through this battle. 

This fall I realized that the time I was spending looking through instagram, facebook and those groups, or thinking about all the different amazing women and their stories, was getting in the way of being the present mother I want to be, and had turned into my own compulsive habit, maybe even addiction. I started thinking about the famous "Good, Better, Best" talk by Dallin H Oaks and feeling the need to reorganize my life and priorities. Some of the messages in this October General Conference confirmed what I felt. Then in our Regional Conference, the talks urged us to simplify every part of our lives in order to make time to grow closer to God and strengthen our families. 

That was the push I needed, so I stepped away. Deactivated facebook, cut my instagram following to only family and the people I learn most from, deleted most apps from my phone, avoided any screen time that wasn't helping me towards my goals.

It has been wonderful! Sometimes betrayal trauma or recovery can consume your life and sometimes it needs to take up a good chunk of your time. It was interesting to realize that season of my life is over and its time to move forward in another direction. There are times you need to step away to make room mentally and physically for other important things. I hope we'll always take time to support others and spread our message about the harms of pornography, sex and lust addictions, but that GOOD is not going to get in the way of the BEST things in my life.

There have been several little miracles along the way, and some big ones as well. One of the hardest parts of my life as a wopa was the feeling that I wouldn't be able to have as many children as I wanted. The times I realized another layer of how deep Mr. Smiths addiction was always lined up with being right after I found out I was pregnant. 3 pregnancies clouded by disappointment and fear. The last time I caught Mr. Smith lying about his recovery, we had just decided to have baby #3, and I realized with a heavy heart that it would be my last, because I would not keep bringing children into a broken marriage. 

Last year I realized I trusted Mr Smith enough and believed in Recovery enough to have another child. I decided to put our future in God's hands and follow the promptings to grow our family. I knew I was taking a big risk of being thrown back into triggers and Betrayal Trauma and adding more stress to our lives. I went forward with as much faith as I could find. I kept waiting to be triggered and thrust back into the feelings of fear and it just... never happened! The pregnancy was quite difficult physically, I felt sick the whole 9 months, which brought me guilt about not being the best mom to my children as I needed constant rest. But I never doubted Mr. Smith. He took such tender care of me and the kids and I felt safer than I ever have. We welcomed baby #4 this fall. It is certainly one of the most beautiful miracles I've ever experienced.

This year Mr. Smith opened up to many of our people about his addiction. He surprised me by speaking about it beautifully in a Sacrament Meeting talk, and then he just kept telling people. He teaches teenage young men in our church and speaks to them often about his experiences. He has so much empathy and love for them, I love to see him take what once was such a shameful secret, and bring it out into the light to use for good. If people get nothing else out of it, I hope they know that Mr. Smith has a testimony of Christ and the Atonement, and that recovery is possible.

It has been an amazing year.

Hey there

Life is so good. Mr. Smith is still sober. 2 years and counting. Trust is back. We are checking in with each other often. We are vulnerable and honest with each other. We make out a lot. Mr. Smith got a new job so we moved to Texas. He loves his job and it's really great for him, with challenges but very little stress and anxiety. We love Texas. I am surrounded by people who are very real, open, and genuinely loving in a way that was hard for me to find in Utah County.
I'm good with everything going on in my life right now. It used to be that when things were going well it made me very nervous, where I would not even be able to enjoy the good moments because I was so scared that something terrible must be right around the corner. Life can't possible stay this perfect, right? But I am no longer letting my fears stop me from living a wholehearted life.
Recovery is possible. It is real. The Atonement is healing my husband's brain, my trauma, and our marriage. Weak things are becoming strong. Christ is real and God is good.

I wrote this for a school assignment a few weeks ago:

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints by birth and also by choice. My parents raised me in a very active LDS home where Gospel principles were taught by word and by example. As I grew up I knew that my parents were happy because of their choices, not their circumstances. I thought for sure that I would always live the same way I had been taught. I lived a life that was not perfect, but I tried to do my best to live a life worthy to enter the temple when the time came.

Soon after I got married I found out that my husband had not been honest with me before we got married, and that he was addicted to pornography. This discovery felt like learning that my entire life had been a lie. I could not imagine that someone as wonderful as I believed him to be, would be capable of such awful things, particularly taking me to the sacred temple when he had been so dishonest to himself, his church leaders, family, and me. I turned to God in anger because I felt I had no one else.

This trial turned out to be one of the greatest blessings of my life. Because I turned to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, I became acquainted with Them in a way I never knew possible. I received much personal revelation as I was guided in how to handle my new reality. In pleading for permission for a divorce in my prayers, I learned more about repentance, forgiveness, and the Atonement. The gospel of Jesus Christ that I had always depended on became very real. There were times when I wanted to walk away from the church and never return because of anger. During those times, as I wondered if I could turn my back on what I had once believed with my whole heart, I felt encircled by unseen angels who protected me from destroying myself. 

My husband eventually chose recovery and we have found healing over the years, which I am so grateful for. But even if he had not, I know what I know. God loves me. He is mindful of me every second of every day. Jesus Christ is my Savior. His Atonement makes all things possible. He constantly gives me strength beyond my own. Because of Him, I can endure any trial that will come my way. Because of this knowledge, I will stay true to my church and my God forever.

The Togetherness Project

If you are a wife or ex wife who would like to be uplifted, inspired, and find some seriously amazing friends, please come to the next Togetherness Conference! October 11 in Midway, Utah.

Finding this community and attending this conference last year has done more to help my healing than almost everything else combined! I cannot even explain how much it has changed my life. PLEASE COME!!!

Mr Smith Recommends

There are suddenly a TON of books and other resources about pornography addiction. When we started this 6 years ago I could hardly find anything! If you need help finding them, I can totally help with that.
I just want to pass on this book that my husband credits for helping him soooo much, but I never hear anyone else talk about. It's called Willpower is Not Enough by A. Dean Byrd and Mark D. Chamberlain. (Make sure you get the authors right, there is another book with the same title). It was printed in 1995 so it can be hard to find, but there are some on amazon right now and it looks like it is available for kindle.
It's not only specific to porn addiction, but any behavior you want to change. It really helped Mr. Smith understand why he could NOT overcome his addiction on his own, but that there is hope through Christ. It has helped me as well!
http://amzn.com/B004BDOZTE



I also really liked another book by Mark D. Chamberlain, Love You, Hate the Porn. It really helped me see that I was not wrong for not agreeing with the detachment model that was being heavily pushed 3 years ago, which helps a lot of wives, but I did NOT find helpful at all. I really wanted Mr. Smith and I to be able to turn to each other instead of away from each other, and this was super helpful for me. When you are both ready for recovery, read it together.
http://amzn.com/B004TC14JG

An Update, Betrayal Trauma, and In Laws...

First of all, I am doing much better this week. Sorry to leave you hanging :). I started this post last week and then life just got crazy busy and I forgot about it until I got 2 emails yesterday-thanks ladies!! Just know that it is long and kind of all over the place, sorry. I hope it makes sense.
After my last post, there were a few hard days while I felt and processed and gave mr. smith the cold shoulder, and then I was able to let it go, and turn to mr. smith, and we are okay now. I'm sad because the small amount of trust my husband had earned back over the past 2 years was gone in an instant, and I am mourning that. But I am also happy because I was able to see how much progress we had made, and I have hope now that I know it is possible to have some trust again, even if it's only a small amount. We talked a lot and I was able to get my feelings across and he understood as much as he could and did everything he could to make it right, and we are still hurting but we are strong.
And actually I feel REALLY good about my recovery as well as Mr. Smith's, because we had a very interesting conversation that showed me, not just by his words but by what I felt and what I have watched happen over the past two years, that he is capable of NEVER turning to porn again. It's hard to explain, but I really think we might be done with it, as long as he keeps doing what he knows he needs to do. And for him, that doesn't have to involve 12 step groups, it doesn't mean constant therapy, it doesn't mean he needs constant contact with a sponsor, or even our Bishop. These things are all GREAT and I'm not discounting them at all... but I always was depressed that the rest of our life would be spent fighting this addiction and it seems very busy and complicated and hard to think about constantly doing everything people tell you to do for like, 60 years, right! And now I'm realizing that maybe some addict experiences and needs are different. And maybe all my husband needed was the tools to learn how to become emotionally healthy. And once he got emotionally healthy, spiritually strong, and learned what intimacy really is, he reached a point where porn barely even tempts him anymore, it was like the porn switch got turned off.

We realized that as much as ALL the information that we've been devouring can make addiction seem extremely complicated (which it is, in a way), overcoming an addiction like his all boiled down to 3 things: Turning to Christ, learning how to become emotionally healthy, and learning true intimacy with me.
I kinda hope eventually that he will become interested in 12 step again or other support groups so he can help other guys who are struggling, but, I've turned his recovery over to him and I'm so proud of him.

Back to the last post...
Betrayal Trauma is REAL and SO INTENSE sometimes!
My mind is all over the place this morning, so forgive me if I go off on a few tangents in this post...

A week and a half ago, mr. smith did something behind my back that really hurt. It involved his parents, which is a really touchy subject around here. My in laws are those people in the Utah world that appear "perfect". They must have done things right because they had a ton of kids who all excelled in school and sports and served in the community and went on missions and got married in the temple and appear to have perfect happy marriages, right? Except that at least one son was addicted to porn for several years while living at home and behind closed doors they are usually fighting and name calling and some of them pretty much hate each other even though they call it love and they are just sooo messed up without having any idea that they are messed up. Probably shouldn't get into the issues I have had with them or we'll be here for days. But basically, I was raised in a very happy, loving, affectionate home. He was not, but his family "appears perfect". Got it? My relationship with them has been rocky from the start because they did not want me to date their son and still do things that get me thinking I'll never be good enough for them.

If you've ever watched Everybody Loves Raymond then you  know a lot about us because my husband is totally Raymond, the absolute favorite who can do no wrong (despite a HUGE thing like a porn addiction, but mr. smith is a wonderful father/husband and Raymond is NOT), his mom is Marie, who dotes on Raymond and wishes he could be her little boy forever and tries to control him even though he is a grown man and uses "love" as an excuse for getting into his private business and uses awful tricks to try to control everyone in her life, and I am Debra, the woman who is never going to be good enough despite being amazing and putting up with all this other crap. Seriously.

Years ago I realized I am never going to be able to control them or change them and I also can't change the love that my husband has for the people who raised him, so I have tried to carefully teach my husband what is healthy, what isn't, and why we need S P A C E from these people (who in my mind, are to blame for his addiction, because he was not taught or allowed to become emotionally healthy growing up in their home. I really struggled for years trying NOT to blame them, but hey, facts are facts. And the fact is, the things that they did SERIOUSLY emotionally impaired my husband and he was not given the tools to cope or recover or learn what is healthy, and we have to accept this fact to learn how to parent our children and help other families to "porn proof" our kids as much as possible.)

Okay I better stop because this is depressing me. So now you know a little of the background. Basically, we have set limits on what can and cannot be discussed with our parents and extended family because they have no concept of privacy and little things turn into huge issues up for debate and gossip and their unending input.

So Sunday morning husband discussed some things with his mother over the phone while I was in the shower that are against the limits we set together. He mentioned a very small part of it to me and I instantly knew he was lying. His face looked exactly like it did when I used to confront him about porn. I was so hurt and confused I just went up to my room and starting bawling. He came up and lied some more while trying to comfort me. I figured out what was going on when I went to his phone to text someone from church and saw a texting conversation with his mom. It is amazing how those lies felt exactly like finding out he had been hiding porn from me. Betrayal Trauma is real and even when you think you're all better, something like this can happen and throw you right back into the trenches.

Oh, and in case you don't know, Betrayal Trauma is what many spouses go through when their partner has sexually betrayed them, it is very similar to soldiers who get PTSD after war. Pleeeease go to addorecovery.com and get free therapy for betrayed spouses. It is AMAZING!!

I was in full trauma mode. Barely able to function, let alone speak openly about it. Mr. Smith texted me from work to apologize again and to ask me what I needed and I pulled my thoughts together enough to respond "I need honesty. I need you to be my partner. I need you to think of me ahead of your mom. I know you aren't telling me the whole story and because of that, I feel scared about what you are hiding. I don't feel safe, and my mind is pretty sure if you're lying about this, you're probably into porn again too."

-------Sidenote- Mr. Smith has NEVER come to me to confess porn when I didn't already know he had messed up. He only comes to me when he knows he has been caught. This really hurts and I've told him a hundred times that IT ISN'T ABOUT THE PORN! JUST COME TELL ME WHEN YOU ARE STRUGGLING! STOP TRYING TO HIDE IT!!! So the big trigger for me is when he is hiding something and lying. I think I would seriously be so honored if he came to tell me he was struggling BEFORE he had a slip up/relapse/ whatever.------

He came home and looked me in the eye and admitted he was hiding things. He told me the whole story and apologized again. Then he said how relieved he was that it wasn't porn this time, and assured me he wasn't having any struggles in that area. We cried and then laughed at how this was so similar to porn. He wanted to take care of everything himself before he came to me with the whole story-- exactly what he does when he looks at porn. He wants to solve it himself so he thinks he will get in "under control" and THEN tell me that he had struggled but was good now. Of course, it never works, addiction doesn't work that way since Satan thrives on making us think we can take care of things ourselves and hide our shame. It always gets worse and I figure what is going on before he can get any better on his own.

I tried my best to explain that just like with porn, it wasn't so much about the conversation with his mom, it was HIM HIDING IT AGAIN!! Yeah. So, we worked through it and we are good now. But holy moly it sucked and it still sucks a little to remember that I just can't trust him with some things. It is really hard sometimes to think about being married FOREVER without being able to trust my partner. How does that even work? I can't figure out how we are doing so well (except for last week) despite that. Any thoughts?

Anyone else reached a point where you think you might be done with porn forever? Is it possible? Of course I know it is, the atonement is real and perfect and INFINITE.... it just kinda boggles my mind after preparing myself for a lifetime of this! We are also being careful not to let our guard down, exactly what Satan would love us to do.

Well the kids are ready to go play. Thank you for reaching out and especially for the support last week.
Loves.

Tonight really hurts.

We just had one of the best weeks ever. Lots of family time. Lots of adventures in the sunshine. Celebrating an anniversary and having really amazing conversations. Conversations that made me think, wow, maybe we are actually done with the porn stuff... maybe even forever! I seriously think I woke up happier than I've EVER been.
Then Mr. Smith did something really dumb. It wasn't anything to do with porn or sex. There are basically 3 difficult things in my marriage. 1 is porn. Mr. Smith's decision behind my back involved the other 2.
When I found out, it was surprisingly similar to finding out my husband had been spending hours and hours watching porn. I felt physically ill. I cried. I wanted to kick him in the balls and punch his face and run away. It hurt sooooo badly. It feels soooo personal. I wanted to stay home from church and just eat chocolate and cry. (I hope I'm getting lots of points for pulling myself together and going to church and staying there all 3 hours. It was painful)
I'm trying really hard to be loving and choose to be happy and deal with this instead of fall into depression and anger. I'm not very successful yet.
He is apologizing and I just want to throw up.
The hardest part is I saw a text message that tells me he hasn't told me the whole truth. And I was hoping he would at some point today man up. Nope.
This feels almost exactly like porn.
Today sucks.

I just feel like writing.

I just feel like writing.

My baby started crawling last month and now she is trying to walk. She leaves my lap to explore everything in the room. Every few minutes she comes back to me and buries her head in my chest for a snuggle, then goes off to conquer another corner of the room. She gets a little further and stays away a little longer each time. Today it felt like I was looking into a mirror.

I've been trying to find myself again, pardon the cliche. Ever since I realized I have almost completely lost myself while trying to survive my marriage, I work daily to either rediscover or recreate Mrs. Smith.

I go a little further each week, become a little more vulnerable to my family and others who are earning my trust (thank you Brene Brown!). I frequently run back to Mr. Smith for a snuggle, to make sure he still loves me and is proud of me. I am happy to report he is falling in love with me deeper each time.

I follow promptings that require me to be brave. Scary things like sharing my struggles on instagram. Talking about porn on facebook. Sharing very personal things with my Sunday School class. I run back to Heavenly Father and ask, "That was right, wasn't it? You still love me, right?" And He always responds with His love. I see His hand in my life through the trials and the blessings.

I really like this rising from the ashes stuff.

Gotta go-

Loves.

How are things going?

Today a got a text asking simply "How are things going?"
It felt like a loaded question. I guess because it's that time of year where we reflect on the past few months and look forward with new goals, hope, and direction... How are things going?
Good, I think.
Since the Togetherness Project, my life from the outside looks pretty much the same. But on the inside, it feels like a lot in my life has changed.
I came home that night and talked with my husband about everything I learned that day. I talked until he fell asleep. That conversation opened a gate that I hadn't realize was so closed. We'd spent the past couple of years talking about pornography and addiction lightly here and there. I never meant to "not talk about it" but we had stopped getting into the deep parts of it very often.
This conversation lasted over a week. We just kept talking and talking about it.
The best part about all this talking is that I had a couple of beautiful miracles happen. The first was when I realized that I had forgiven him. I have been wondering for years how I would know for sure if I had truly forgiven him. In the middle of all this talking, I just suddenly had a feeling of peace come into my heart and I knew. I knew that I was ready to choose to forgive him. And it was done. As quick as that. Not how I expected, but AWESOME.
The second miracle was the chance for the first time in our marriage to let him know exactly how I felt without any fear. I told him everything I was feeling without worrying about how it would make him feel. HUGE for me! I have spent our marriage tiptoeing around him when it comes to talking about how his addiction was hurting me. {It has nothing to do with me being scared of him or anything like that. He is never mean or violent. He just feels soooo baaaaad. You know how it feels to see a grown man weep? I hate causing that. I don't like the strange feelings that come with it. I want to see him as the big strong loving protector of me, not the guy that I make cry because he is so depressed about how he doesn't know how to handle his depression without hurting me. I was attracted to him because he was a MANLY MAN, not because he was sensitive. It really throws me off to see him that way.} In our first round of therapy as newlyweds, some things about his childhood came up that I was not aware of, so I feel the need to protect him from those lasting feelings of worthlessness and failure. I tell my husband often that I am proud of him. Those words are extremely important for him to hear. On the other side, I hide it the best I can anytime I am disappointed in him because I hate seeing him depressed and I'm afraid that it will only push him back to porn. Does that make sense?
Anyway.
After all this talking and those wonderful breakthroughs and moments... We were like newlyweds again. The way newlyweds are supposed to be. We couldn't stop touching and talking and laughing and feeling positively smitten with each other. We spontaneously went on a short vacation to celebrate the start of a whole new marriage. We just felt like life was pretty perfect.
I also worked on myself and my relationship with my kids.
This really is a whole other post, but I realized after Togetherness that I have almost completely lost who I am in the midst of dealing with being married to a porn addict. My personality and most of my friendships have nearly disappeared. I used to be so funny and adventurous, spontaneous and unique, surrounded by people with several close relationships. When my boat started to sink, I let go of so much of what makes me, me. I was so busy surviving that I stopped thriving. So, I made a plan to work on "finding myself" again.
I also realized that I was so busy trying to be a good mom that I forgot to be a fun mom. I started really playing with my kids again and stopped trying so hard to be perfect.
And then, the magic started to wear off, as these things tend to do when you have to get back to everything else in life. I got sick and it lasted forever. I swear I have had 6 different viruses in the past month. It has been so frustrating. I've always been the type of person that catches everything despite being a germ freak, so I should be used to it by now, but it was really easy to get depressed when I went from feeling on top of the world one day to stuck in my bed or on the couch for the next several weeks. To have this happen over the holidays is just plain depressing. There were so many great plans made and then broken because I didn't have the energy to stand up. Every time I started to feel good, completely new symptoms would hit me like a ton of bricks.
I'm finally feeling better. *knock on wood*. It was a miracle to be feeling good on Christmas Eve and Christmas. Then everyone in my family passed around a stomach bug. But that has finally passed. Time to get back to loving life again!

I've been thinking a lot about this blog and why I started it and why I haven't published anything since October. Besides just being busy and/or sick, I guess I don't quite feel like I belong in the group of women who blog about their life with sex addict husbands. But, I'll try to keep writing anyway. :)
Thank you to those who reach out and email me. You're all so amazing. Let's encourage each other.
Loves

Togetherness.

As soon as I walked into the Expo Center and my eyes saw the group of ladies, my eyes started to sting- is something in my eye? Oh wait I remember this... Girl-power-fueled emotion. My breath got caught somewhere between my lungs and mouth. What the heck is happening to me? I don't cry at times like this, do I? Well, maybe I do... I've never had a time like this. My heart feels like it wants to jump out of my chest and go have a huglaughcryfest with all the other hearts in the room. Why do I feel like I am instantly soul sisters with dozens of women I haven't even met yet? Calm down or you'll start freaking out these poor women....


In all seriousness, this day was simply beautiful. Although it was non-denominational and not very religious, it was very spiritual. I felt the Spirit very strongly there and many times it spoke to my heart, testifying of truth I was learning.

My biggest takeaways:
1. Women are seriously amazing. I met several with very heartbreaking stories. And yet, they let me know and feel that even though their stories might be *more heartbreaking than mine*, that does not take away from the pain I feel and what trauma I have experienced. It does not take anything away from my story. Sometimes that sneaky little voice still got in my head to say, "Jeez Louise!, he had an affair and you are still with him?! I have no right even being in the same room as you! You are SO much stronger than me!" but it didn't take long for the LOVE in the room to chase those thoughts away. I can't remember a time when I've felt so validated, loved, understood, and the empathy was just... pure.

2. Trauma. Holy moly have I been through a traumatizing experience. No wonder I'm still feeling so hurt even though Mr. Smith is doing so great. Of course it's been hard for me *get over it and move on.*  I still have issues for a very good reason! I really needed to hear all that. I learned about some great resources to help me go back and really deal with what I've been through. I have jammed all my issues into a closet, locked the door and walked away expecting them to disappear with time. But I need the space in that closet so I've got to deal with my baggage, clean it out, organize it, throw out the crap, create a beautiful space in place of a neglected, dirty, painful place that I am ashamed of.

4. Intimacy. Again-Trauma. No wonder I haven't made any close friends my entire marriage! No wonder I don't always want Mr. Smith all over me! I have a lot to deal with and then work on. Luckily I also learned about

5.Vulnerability
Listening to 1 Ted Talk a long time ago does not a vulnerable person make. Brene Brown, I'm about to become your shadow. I'm pretty sure this trait will help me in every area of my thinking and my life. I'm so excited to get in up to my elbows studying this.

I want to write a novel about each moment of the day but.. My precious kiddos are waking up and I'm being a kick-A momma today.
To be continued.

WOPA and girl friends

One year ago I had been praying for a good friend to come into my life that I could share my story with because it is such a heavy burden to carry alone. I have had a hard time making close friends since I've been married because if Mr. Smith could betray me, anyone could. Anyone else have a problem with that? I just don't easily trust women or men in general. I felt very lonely and missed having a bunch of girlfriends I could confide in. I did not like the women's support group in my area because it felt like an hour of husband bashing. That was not helpful for me so I stopped attending.
During the October General Conference I was prompted to start a blog. I felt that this was how Heavenly Father would answer my prayer. I discovered a wonderful network of several WOPA blogs and the Hope and Healing Forum. I was quickly overwhelmed by how many amazing women were sharing stories of deep heartache.
The month before I had received the wonderful news that I was pregnant with our third child soon after I found my husband had had a small relapse. Combining pregnancy hormones along with reading so many sad stories in such a short time lead to depression. I knew I needed a break before I was ready to immerse myself in this online community. I was grateful to have found such an amazing network online, even if I wasn't ready to add my voice. Days when I felt strong I would come back to catch up on blogs and posts. It didn't take long for me to feel like I knew these women as friends, although it was very one sided because I rarely commented or joined discussions. I kept putting off sharing my story because my husband is at such a good place that I feel inadequate. The phrase "at least yours is only pornography" has entered my mind many times as I read of affairs and other terribly hard trials.
As this October conference drew closer, I again felt prompted to start a blog. It has taken a year of preparation to slowly enter the waters of the online WOPA world. I'm not sure if this even counts as entering it yet, because I am not sure how to find the time to really sit and write. I get to stay at home with my 3 young ones, but I don't like being at the computer in front of them. When my husband is home we want to spend every minute wisely enriching our family relationships. So I'm not sure how this will go. But I will make time. Because I have never regretted following a prompting.
I am not a beautiful or strong writer. My story seems much less heartbreaking than many. But I am here.
And hey, if you want to meet me, I will be at the Togetherness Conference on Saturday! Hope to meet you there!
Perhaps I will also search out the support groups in my new area since we moved.
What is your secret to making friends and letting them get close to you after or during a betrayal? How do you choose who to confide in when sharing this part of your life? I have not talked about the addiction with anyone other than a councilor. We have only shared the watered down story with our parents, when we needed to explain Mr. Smith moving out for a time.

One Year Sober

Mr. Smith has been sober for a year now. There have been many many ups and downs along the road. I can hardly believe where we are now. This past summer I felt like we finally got a honeymoon phase. I realized a few days ago that we had made love and I didn't think about pornography for a second until about an hour later. The very thought of making love used to repulse me, and pornography addiction was constantly on my mind. I am madly in love with this man, more than ever each day.

There is still work to be done. I still have bad days. I still experience triggers that send me back to those days of screaming in agony on the floor. I still wonder what will happen after we die. I still get worried that our eternal marriage isn't legit. I am still insecure too much of the time. I still wonder what he might be hiding from me. I probably will always have lingering effects. But I'm working on it. :)

I hope one day we will be able to share our story in public and say, "Look, recovery is possible!" and show this sad world a success story.

My Story

The short story is, I married my best friend and true love in the temple 5 years ago. We have 3 children and we are living our happily ever after in Utah County. Our life is wonderful except for this one little thing... my husband is addicted to pornography. Some days are great and some days are hell. But right now things are good as far as his soberness. He has relapsed once in the last year and a half. I hope that one day I'll be able to say we are a success story. I also know very well that tomorrow I may be writing "Never mind, just found out he was acting out the whole time." But for now, I'm going to enjoy and celebrate the good times to keep me going through the bad. Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present.

Like many of our stories start, Mr. Smith was the "perfect guy". Fresh off his mission, we were in an institute class together. I was swept off my feet immediately. Handsome, hilarious, smart, sweet, generous, and fun. After 2 dates we were together every spare minute. Once I met his family and saw him in action as the world's best uncle, I told my family "I know this sounds crazy, but I want to marry him!".
We knew we were young and dumb and the relationship was moving fast, so we tried to be as smart as we could. We started having the really serious conversations to make sure we were really compatible before we got engaged. He told me that as a teenager he had struggled a little with pornography. It was no big deal, he had taken care of it long ago, but just wanted to be honest.

I went to my parents to ask what they thought. My dad and I had a great talk. He was a Bishop at the time and was counseling men young and old with pornography problems. He told me that I was right to be concerned. I would have to decide for myself if I could handle that kind of past. But he also reminded me that to really believe in the Atonement, I need to believe that it is infinite. And if the Lord could forgive Mr. Smith, I needed to as well. It didn't mean I had to marry him, but I needed to forgive. I knew my dad was right. I thought about it and decided to forgive the past and move on. I prayed to know if this relationship was right for me, and received an immediate answer that it was. I was surprised at how easily I was able to forget all about Mr. Smith's past. We got engaged and planned to be married in the Spring of 2008.

A few weeks before our wedding, I woke up one morning with a terrible feeling. I felt prompted to check in with Mr Smith and ask him if he was okay. He called me a minute later, like he did every morning. I asked him how he was doing and he gave the usual answer that he was doing great. Relieved, I tried to push it out of my mind and continue on with my day. But the feeling did not go away. I wrote him a quick email, "I feel like something is wrong. Is there anything we need to talk about?" He wrote back that he was sorry if he had been weird lately, he was just stressed about school. I accepted this and didn't ask any more questions. We both had a rough week. I couldn't shake my feeling that something was wrong, and he was acting weird. I prayed and prayed but never got any specific answers about what was wrong. Eventually I decided it was just pre-wedding jitters.

We were married in the temple and it was a beautiful day. I felt so at peace and knew I had made the right choice. I didn't have a single doubt that day as I made sacred covenants with my husband and God.

The honeymoon was... not what I expected. I won't go into the dirty details but nothing about it felt sacred or beautiful, and that made me very sad and left me feeling empty. By the third day I started wondering  if I had made a huge mistake. 

Before we got married I knew a lot about intimacy thanks to the classes I had taken in college. I had even studied about the "good girl syndrome" so I felt like I was more prepared than a lot of LDS girls and I didn't have fears about what was coming. So it was a huge surprise to me to have things happen so differently than I expected.

I couldn't figure out how to discuss my concerns with Mr. Smith. He seemed perfectly happy with the way things were. When we got home I started reading everything I could find about sex and marriage from a religious standpoint. Well, there wasn't much specific information out there and I was too nervous to start searching the internet for sex advice. I just kept hoping it would get better, and tried not to doubt the answer I had received that our marriage was right.

Less than 2 weeks after we returned from our honeymoon, I stumbled upon the first evidence of pornography on the computer. I immediately asked Mr. Smith about it since he was next to me, and he quickly brushed it off as someone else's history. We were borrowing a laptop, so this was believable. I certainly didn't feel good about it but I didn't know what to do. 

A few days later I got on the laptop again to order a birthday present while Mr. Smith was at work. He was still logged in to his amazon account. We had talked about adding movies to our DVD collection since we didn't have TV at that point. I clicked on his account history to see if he had bought any yet. What I saw completely floored me. He had ordered some DVDs all right. I felt dirty and nauseous just reading the titles. I looked at the date they had been ordered. Just weeks before our temple wedding. The week I had felt something was wrong. I was too shocked to do anything but sit and stare at the screen. I remember wondering why I wasn't crying. I don't know how long I just sat there frozen in shock before Mr Smith came home. I remember that I had to tell my head and then my eyes to turn and look at him. And his face... He knew. 

Well, he apologized a million times. Promised he had only had that one moment of weakness. Promised that as soon as the DVDs came he threw them away in anger at himself. Promised he had never opened them.

I was so naive. I didn't 100% believe him, but I told myself I should. After all, he had married me in the temple. He had to have been worthy, right? I spent many, many hours over the next few years agonizing over that moment. Should I just have ran away and had our marriage annulled right then? Why oh why did Heavenly Father let me marry this man? Is our temple marriage even legit? Is there even a chance that we'll be together in the next life?

After a very rough night I decided to try to forgive and forget, after all, he said nothing had happened. I could not believe that he would lie to me or go to the temple unworthily, so he must have been telling the truth.
I decided I just needed to step up my game. I did everything I could think of (within my personal beliefs) to try to be the sexiest wife ever. Lingerie, sex every morning and night, spending hours making myself look my best, sexting him at work, leaving my job early to surprise him, being more adventurous in our love making, etc. We even had a conversation about saving up our money for me to get breast implants (never got there).
All the while, we were praying and trying to decide what we should do about some big life decisions. We had always said we'd wait a year before talking about starting to have children but suddenly after only a month of marriage we felt prompted to start our family. We prayed about it but the feeling never changed, so I stopped birth control. Because of my medical history I wondered if I might have a hard time getting pregnant. I thought maybe we needed to start trying so soon because it may take a year or longer to actually happen.
A few days later I once again stumbled onto something on the computer, proof that he could not talk his way out of it, he had definitely been looking at pornography. I found it in the middle of the night when I could not sleep. I cried myself to sleep on the couch wondering what the heck God had planned for me. Why did he want me to have a baby with this man who was cheating on me with the computer almost daily? In the morning Mr. Smith and I had a hard talk. He never really admitted anything other than what I showed him on the computer. He said he didn't know why he had done it, but promised he would never look again. At that time we didn't understand addiction and so we thought he could handle it on his own.
Well, surprise, he couldn't. During that newlywed summer, which was supposed to be the best of our lives, the honeymoon turned into my hell. During those college years he had the type of job where he was alone, in front of a computer, for several hours a week. He was able to spend a lot of that time studying, which was a huge blessing for us, but he was also tempted every single minute at work to act out his pornography addiction. As I kept finding more and more evidence of porn, from the way he would get so depressed or mad about little things, to the obvious search history he had forgotten to erase, I realized this was serious. I begged him to go see the Bishop. He was not totally honest, and so after a slap on the wrist, nothing changed.
The hardest part was that despite all the crap going on, I was still crazy in love with him. He was never mean or hurtful, never did anything wrong when he was with me. He treated me like a princess. Did housework and took me on fun and romantic dates. Cried and apologized endlessly. He was so good at making me feel better when a few minutes earlier I wanted to leave him forever. My heart was constantly switching between feeling broken and madly in love.
Soon I realized it was time to buy a pregnancy test. What a huge surprise that I had gotten pregnant the week we started trying. I was unbelievably happy. Not only was my biggest dream of becoming a mom coming true, THIS would be the answer to all our problems. Surely he would be able to stop when he realized he was going to be a dad.


Wrong. Days after that first ultrasound, I came home from work a few minutes early. When I opened up the door Mr. Smith quickly turned off the computer and ran into the bathroom. I was so furious at him, first for what he was obviously doing and then for not having the courage to even look at me. I started packing clothes into a bag and left. He had never come out to talk to me. I drove out of town, headed toward my parents house. I didn't have a plan, I just knew I had to get out. My phone rang. I didn't answer it but listened to the voice mail. It was our Bishop. Mr. Smith had called him to confess and ask for his help.
I pulled off the road to cry and pray. I found myself turning around and going back to Mr. Smith.
We started going to counseling with LDS Family Services. Our counselor was great. We worked on our relationship, communication, as well as learning about the science of addiction and identifying Mr. Smith's cycles. When we finished going through the pornography and couple's counseling, I thought all was well.
6 months later, with my beautiful baby girl in my arms, I again stumbled upon evidence of porn. I took a few deep breaths, put the baby to bed, and found our "What to do in case of a slip up" plan. I gently took the paper to Mr. Smith and asked if there was anything he wanted to tell me. I was not prepared to hear that he had been acting out at least weekly ever since we stopped going to counseling.
We went back to the Bishop, back to counseling, started going to 12 step meetings, and I began to realize that it was probably going to be like this for the rest of my life if I stayed with him. He disclosed much more than he ever had. I woke up and looked at him the next day with the thought "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore."

"I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore." That feeling stayed for much of the next 3 years.

So why did I stay?
First, because that is what God told me to do. Every time I asked if it was time for me to leave, the answer was "No". So, I stayed. The best reason I can give is that above all, I believe in God. I believe that He loves me, He knows me, and He wants what is best for me and my children.
Second, Mr. Smith is the BEST DADDY EVER. We have 3 beautiful children now, and he is their hero. He has never yelled or laid an unkind hand on them. He is always teaching, playing, and caring for them. He is definitely a family man. He is fulfilling his duties to preside, provide, and protect.
Third, he is a wonderful husband. It may sound ridiculous, but he really is almost perfect other than this one huge thing, of being a porn addict. Unlike many addicts, he has never been mean or cruel to me a day in his life. He is gentle and loving and so much fun. And he does the dishes.
If he were an angry addict, I think I would have left long ago. I made him move out for a month when his addiction was at its worst and he was going through very serious withdrawal symptoms as he decided to enter recovery. This was a huge turning point for him as he realized what he could lose. He had somewhat of a breakdown and decided to take recovery seriously when I told him I was looking into divorce. Since then he has had relapses... but he has been completely sober for about a year (at least as far as I know, and I'm choosing to believe him).