An Update, Betrayal Trauma, and In Laws...

First of all, I am doing much better this week. Sorry to leave you hanging :). I started this post last week and then life just got crazy busy and I forgot about it until I got 2 emails yesterday-thanks ladies!! Just know that it is long and kind of all over the place, sorry. I hope it makes sense.
After my last post, there were a few hard days while I felt and processed and gave mr. smith the cold shoulder, and then I was able to let it go, and turn to mr. smith, and we are okay now. I'm sad because the small amount of trust my husband had earned back over the past 2 years was gone in an instant, and I am mourning that. But I am also happy because I was able to see how much progress we had made, and I have hope now that I know it is possible to have some trust again, even if it's only a small amount. We talked a lot and I was able to get my feelings across and he understood as much as he could and did everything he could to make it right, and we are still hurting but we are strong.
And actually I feel REALLY good about my recovery as well as Mr. Smith's, because we had a very interesting conversation that showed me, not just by his words but by what I felt and what I have watched happen over the past two years, that he is capable of NEVER turning to porn again. It's hard to explain, but I really think we might be done with it, as long as he keeps doing what he knows he needs to do. And for him, that doesn't have to involve 12 step groups, it doesn't mean constant therapy, it doesn't mean he needs constant contact with a sponsor, or even our Bishop. These things are all GREAT and I'm not discounting them at all... but I always was depressed that the rest of our life would be spent fighting this addiction and it seems very busy and complicated and hard to think about constantly doing everything people tell you to do for like, 60 years, right! And now I'm realizing that maybe some addict experiences and needs are different. And maybe all my husband needed was the tools to learn how to become emotionally healthy. And once he got emotionally healthy, spiritually strong, and learned what intimacy really is, he reached a point where porn barely even tempts him anymore, it was like the porn switch got turned off.

We realized that as much as ALL the information that we've been devouring can make addiction seem extremely complicated (which it is, in a way), overcoming an addiction like his all boiled down to 3 things: Turning to Christ, learning how to become emotionally healthy, and learning true intimacy with me.
I kinda hope eventually that he will become interested in 12 step again or other support groups so he can help other guys who are struggling, but, I've turned his recovery over to him and I'm so proud of him.

Back to the last post...
Betrayal Trauma is REAL and SO INTENSE sometimes!
My mind is all over the place this morning, so forgive me if I go off on a few tangents in this post...

A week and a half ago, mr. smith did something behind my back that really hurt. It involved his parents, which is a really touchy subject around here. My in laws are those people in the Utah world that appear "perfect". They must have done things right because they had a ton of kids who all excelled in school and sports and served in the community and went on missions and got married in the temple and appear to have perfect happy marriages, right? Except that at least one son was addicted to porn for several years while living at home and behind closed doors they are usually fighting and name calling and some of them pretty much hate each other even though they call it love and they are just sooo messed up without having any idea that they are messed up. Probably shouldn't get into the issues I have had with them or we'll be here for days. But basically, I was raised in a very happy, loving, affectionate home. He was not, but his family "appears perfect". Got it? My relationship with them has been rocky from the start because they did not want me to date their son and still do things that get me thinking I'll never be good enough for them.

If you've ever watched Everybody Loves Raymond then you  know a lot about us because my husband is totally Raymond, the absolute favorite who can do no wrong (despite a HUGE thing like a porn addiction, but mr. smith is a wonderful father/husband and Raymond is NOT), his mom is Marie, who dotes on Raymond and wishes he could be her little boy forever and tries to control him even though he is a grown man and uses "love" as an excuse for getting into his private business and uses awful tricks to try to control everyone in her life, and I am Debra, the woman who is never going to be good enough despite being amazing and putting up with all this other crap. Seriously.

Years ago I realized I am never going to be able to control them or change them and I also can't change the love that my husband has for the people who raised him, so I have tried to carefully teach my husband what is healthy, what isn't, and why we need S P A C E from these people (who in my mind, are to blame for his addiction, because he was not taught or allowed to become emotionally healthy growing up in their home. I really struggled for years trying NOT to blame them, but hey, facts are facts. And the fact is, the things that they did SERIOUSLY emotionally impaired my husband and he was not given the tools to cope or recover or learn what is healthy, and we have to accept this fact to learn how to parent our children and help other families to "porn proof" our kids as much as possible.)

Okay I better stop because this is depressing me. So now you know a little of the background. Basically, we have set limits on what can and cannot be discussed with our parents and extended family because they have no concept of privacy and little things turn into huge issues up for debate and gossip and their unending input.

So Sunday morning husband discussed some things with his mother over the phone while I was in the shower that are against the limits we set together. He mentioned a very small part of it to me and I instantly knew he was lying. His face looked exactly like it did when I used to confront him about porn. I was so hurt and confused I just went up to my room and starting bawling. He came up and lied some more while trying to comfort me. I figured out what was going on when I went to his phone to text someone from church and saw a texting conversation with his mom. It is amazing how those lies felt exactly like finding out he had been hiding porn from me. Betrayal Trauma is real and even when you think you're all better, something like this can happen and throw you right back into the trenches.

Oh, and in case you don't know, Betrayal Trauma is what many spouses go through when their partner has sexually betrayed them, it is very similar to soldiers who get PTSD after war. Pleeeease go to addorecovery.com and get free therapy for betrayed spouses. It is AMAZING!!

I was in full trauma mode. Barely able to function, let alone speak openly about it. Mr. Smith texted me from work to apologize again and to ask me what I needed and I pulled my thoughts together enough to respond "I need honesty. I need you to be my partner. I need you to think of me ahead of your mom. I know you aren't telling me the whole story and because of that, I feel scared about what you are hiding. I don't feel safe, and my mind is pretty sure if you're lying about this, you're probably into porn again too."

-------Sidenote- Mr. Smith has NEVER come to me to confess porn when I didn't already know he had messed up. He only comes to me when he knows he has been caught. This really hurts and I've told him a hundred times that IT ISN'T ABOUT THE PORN! JUST COME TELL ME WHEN YOU ARE STRUGGLING! STOP TRYING TO HIDE IT!!! So the big trigger for me is when he is hiding something and lying. I think I would seriously be so honored if he came to tell me he was struggling BEFORE he had a slip up/relapse/ whatever.------

He came home and looked me in the eye and admitted he was hiding things. He told me the whole story and apologized again. Then he said how relieved he was that it wasn't porn this time, and assured me he wasn't having any struggles in that area. We cried and then laughed at how this was so similar to porn. He wanted to take care of everything himself before he came to me with the whole story-- exactly what he does when he looks at porn. He wants to solve it himself so he thinks he will get in "under control" and THEN tell me that he had struggled but was good now. Of course, it never works, addiction doesn't work that way since Satan thrives on making us think we can take care of things ourselves and hide our shame. It always gets worse and I figure what is going on before he can get any better on his own.

I tried my best to explain that just like with porn, it wasn't so much about the conversation with his mom, it was HIM HIDING IT AGAIN!! Yeah. So, we worked through it and we are good now. But holy moly it sucked and it still sucks a little to remember that I just can't trust him with some things. It is really hard sometimes to think about being married FOREVER without being able to trust my partner. How does that even work? I can't figure out how we are doing so well (except for last week) despite that. Any thoughts?

Anyone else reached a point where you think you might be done with porn forever? Is it possible? Of course I know it is, the atonement is real and perfect and INFINITE.... it just kinda boggles my mind after preparing myself for a lifetime of this! We are also being careful not to let our guard down, exactly what Satan would love us to do.

Well the kids are ready to go play. Thank you for reaching out and especially for the support last week.
Loves.