One year ago I had been praying for a good friend to come into my life that I could share my story with because it is such a heavy burden to carry alone. I have had a hard time making close friends since I've been married because if Mr. Smith could betray me, anyone could. Anyone else have a problem with that? I just don't easily trust women or men in general. I felt very lonely and missed having a bunch of girlfriends I could confide in. I did not like the women's support group in my area because it felt like an hour of husband bashing. That was not helpful for me so I stopped attending.
During the October General Conference I was prompted to start a blog. I felt that this was how Heavenly Father would answer my prayer. I discovered a wonderful network of several WOPA blogs and the Hope and Healing Forum. I was quickly overwhelmed by how many amazing women were sharing stories of deep heartache.
The month before I had received the wonderful news that I was pregnant with our third child soon after I found my husband had had a small relapse. Combining pregnancy hormones along with reading so many sad stories in such a short time lead to depression. I knew I needed a break before I was ready to immerse myself in this online community. I was grateful to have found such an amazing network online, even if I wasn't ready to add my voice. Days when I felt strong I would come back to catch up on blogs and posts. It didn't take long for me to feel like I knew these women as friends, although it was very one sided because I rarely commented or joined discussions. I kept putting off sharing my story because my husband is at such a good place that I feel inadequate. The phrase "at least yours is only pornography" has entered my mind many times as I read of affairs and other terribly hard trials.
As this October conference drew closer, I again felt prompted to start a blog. It has taken a year of preparation to slowly enter the waters of the online WOPA world. I'm not sure if this even counts as entering it yet, because I am not sure how to find the time to really sit and write. I get to stay at home with my 3 young ones, but I don't like being at the computer in front of them. When my husband is home we want to spend every minute wisely enriching our family relationships. So I'm not sure how this will go. But I will make time. Because I have never regretted following a prompting.
I am not a beautiful or strong writer. My story seems much less heartbreaking than many. But I am here.
And hey, if you want to meet me, I will be at the Togetherness Conference on Saturday! Hope to meet you there!
Perhaps I will also search out the support groups in my new area since we moved.
What is your secret to making friends and letting them get close to you after or during a betrayal? How do you choose who to confide in when sharing this part of your life? I have not talked about the addiction with anyone other than a councilor. We have only shared the watered down story with our parents, when we needed to explain Mr. Smith moving out for a time.
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