Hey there

Life is so good. Mr. Smith is still sober. 2 years and counting. Trust is back. We are checking in with each other often. We are vulnerable and honest with each other. We make out a lot. Mr. Smith got a new job so we moved to Texas. He loves his job and it's really great for him, with challenges but very little stress and anxiety. We love Texas. I am surrounded by people who are very real, open, and genuinely loving in a way that was hard for me to find in Utah County.
I'm good with everything going on in my life right now. It used to be that when things were going well it made me very nervous, where I would not even be able to enjoy the good moments because I was so scared that something terrible must be right around the corner. Life can't possible stay this perfect, right? But I am no longer letting my fears stop me from living a wholehearted life.
Recovery is possible. It is real. The Atonement is healing my husband's brain, my trauma, and our marriage. Weak things are becoming strong. Christ is real and God is good.

I wrote this for a school assignment a few weeks ago:

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints by birth and also by choice. My parents raised me in a very active LDS home where Gospel principles were taught by word and by example. As I grew up I knew that my parents were happy because of their choices, not their circumstances. I thought for sure that I would always live the same way I had been taught. I lived a life that was not perfect, but I tried to do my best to live a life worthy to enter the temple when the time came.

Soon after I got married I found out that my husband had not been honest with me before we got married, and that he was addicted to pornography. This discovery felt like learning that my entire life had been a lie. I could not imagine that someone as wonderful as I believed him to be, would be capable of such awful things, particularly taking me to the sacred temple when he had been so dishonest to himself, his church leaders, family, and me. I turned to God in anger because I felt I had no one else.

This trial turned out to be one of the greatest blessings of my life. Because I turned to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, I became acquainted with Them in a way I never knew possible. I received much personal revelation as I was guided in how to handle my new reality. In pleading for permission for a divorce in my prayers, I learned more about repentance, forgiveness, and the Atonement. The gospel of Jesus Christ that I had always depended on became very real. There were times when I wanted to walk away from the church and never return because of anger. During those times, as I wondered if I could turn my back on what I had once believed with my whole heart, I felt encircled by unseen angels who protected me from destroying myself. 

My husband eventually chose recovery and we have found healing over the years, which I am so grateful for. But even if he had not, I know what I know. God loves me. He is mindful of me every second of every day. Jesus Christ is my Savior. His Atonement makes all things possible. He constantly gives me strength beyond my own. Because of Him, I can endure any trial that will come my way. Because of this knowledge, I will stay true to my church and my God forever.